Is it possible to motivate someone just by being a really good listener? I think so, and I’d like to share an experience that backs this up…

I was talking to a friend yesterday who was having problems with her boss at work. Her boss happened to be one of those managers who a) thought he knew everything b) didn’t and c) refused to listen or take any advice from anyone (sadly, it probably comes as no surprise that managers like this exist in the world. Probably in much higher quantities than they should).

After a particularly annoying and frustrating interaction with him, she called me on the phone to vent about it. After listening to her vent for a bit and asking a few questions, I gave her a little advice on what she could do next.

At the end of the call she said, “Thanks, you are a very good motivational speaker. Although you didn’t say much, you mostly listened. So I guess you are a very good motivational listener!”

“Motivational Listener”? I had never heard that before, but the phrase resonated with me. Sure, there are plenty of motivational speakers in the world – the people who get up on stage and talk to you about how to make your life better (by quite a few definitions, I am one too). But motivational listening? To be able to motivate people to action by simply (or mostly) just listening to them…hmm…

I realize that this is not unique to me; the best advice givers in the world are mostly great “motivational listeners.”

So what is motivational listening? As mentioned above, it is simply the act of moving a person to action by listening to what they say. Sure, you’ll eventually have to say something, but it starts with listening.

Here are a few tips to help you become a great “Motivational Listener”:

Shut Up

(Just be quiet. Use tape if you must)

The simplest, most important technique to be a great listener. Shut up and listen! Let the other person talk and sort out what they are thinking. Often, the first few minutes a person’s venting needs to get out of the way so they can clear their heads and get to deeper feelings. If you jump in on the first sentence or two, you are cutting them off before you get to the more important stuff.

Pay Attention

(Focus on the other person!)

Shutting up is great, but it’s not enough. When someone is talking to you you must really pay attention. Don’t let your mind wander, and push away random thoughts that pop up in your head. Also, resist the urge to immediately come up with a solution to what they are saying. If you pay close attention, you may find that your solution would be irrelevant to what is really going on.

Try to Understand

(Stop! Before you give any advice, understand the other person)

One of Stephen Covey’s habits in “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” is to “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” These are great words to live by. Before you start jumping into solutions and “here’s what I would do” advice, make a real effort to understand the other person’s needs, wants, and motivation. Too often we forget that everyone is an individual, and two people can come to us with the exact same problem but need very, very different solutions. By understanding first, you can determine the best way to help them out.

Ask Non-Leading Questions

(Questions are great. Unless of course you use them to commit crimes)

A great way to gain understanding is to ask questions. They key, though, is to ask questions to get more info, not to lead the person to where you want them to go. A common, and often annoying, technique is to ask people leading questions. “Don’t you think it would be a good idea if you tried this?” That’s fine in a debate, but if you want to be a great motivational listener, your questions should be about uncovering the other person’s thoughts. By using questions, not only do you learn what they need, but you force them to articulate what they are thinking. By doing this, you get them to start realizing their next steps without you having to say much.

Give Advice From Their Perspective

(In advice, as with Talking Heads’ suits, one size does not fit all)

If you do the above four things, you will be well on your way to motivational listening. However, once you have listened, paid attention, and really understood what is going on, it may be time to offer some advice. This is great, just be sure to offer them advice from their perspective, not yours. What I mean by this is that often when we give advice we apply a “one-size fits all” idea that has worked for us in the past. It may very well not work for this person in this situation. I like it when people try to help me out by giving me advice. I hate it when they give me advice without any understanding of my desires, needs, and long term goals. That smacks of arrogance, stupidity, and close-mindedness (can you tell this annoys me?) To soften it a bit, it smacks of people giving advice from their perspective without considering the perspective of the recipient. After you’ve done your listening, give advice based on what you think will work b est for the other person in their situation with their strengths and weaknesses and their long-term goals.

(Random plug: This is why I love The Speaking School so much. By spending four days with a small group of people, we can really get to know everyone’s strengths, weaknesses, and long term goals. By day two we are able to give very targeted customized feedback on what is going to work for each person in their situation)

Motivational listening won’t work in every situation; sometimes you just need to grab a person by the shoulders and tell them straight out what to do. But in many cases simply shutting your mouth, listening, understanding, and offering very specific advice can be all the motivation a person needs. Give it a try the next time a friend or loved one is in a mini-crisis; you may be surprised by the result.

Avish Parashar is an innovative, energetic, and humorous speaker who uses his 15+ years of experience performing, directing, and teaching improv comedy to deliver unique and refreshing presentations to a variety of audiences.

Stanford University School of Business conducted a study that monitored a group of MBAs 10 years after graduation. What did they learn? That their ability to converse had a huge impact on their success and grade point averages had no bearing whatsoever.

The ability to connect with others through small talk can lead to big things, according to Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk (Hyperion 2005). A former engineer, Fine recalls being so ill at ease at networking events and even the 10 minute coffee break during a meeting that she would hide in the restroom. Now a motivational speaker, Fine believes the ability to develop relationships with people through small talk is an acquired skill.

Fine offers the following tips for starting − and ending conversations:

• Come up with three things to talk when preparing for a function along with a couple generic questions that will get others talking. If you’ve met the client before, remind yourself of things about her, such as a vacation she was headed to or specifics about her family.
• Be the first to say “hello.” If you’re not sure the other person will remember you, give the gift of your name to help out. For example, “Jared Holst? Debra Fine… good to see you again.” Smile first and always shake hands when you meet someone.
• Take your time during introductions. Make an extra effort to remember names and use them frequently. Exhibit host behavior by introducing others that join the group to each other.
• Get another person talking by leading with a common ground statement regarding the occasion or location and then asking a related open-ended question. For example, “What do you hope to gain from this conference?” or “What have you heard about the speakers?” You can also ask them about their trip in or how they know the bride or groom.
• Show interest in your conversational partner by actively listening and giving verbal feedback. Maintain eye contact. Never glance around the room while they are talking to you.
• Listen more than you talk.
• Be prepared to have something interesting to contribute. Staying on top of current events will provide you with great conversation builders, leading with “What do you think of?” Have you heard?” What is your take on?” Spare us from your opinion unless you remember to follow up with “What is your opinion?” or “Tell me your thoughts on …”
• Be aware of your body language. People who look or act ill-at-ease make others uncomfortable. Act confident and comfortable even when you’re not.
• Have a few exit lines ready, so that you can both gracefully move on. For example, “I need to check in with a client over there,” “I skipped lunch today, so I need to visit the buffet,” or “Who do you know at this meeting that could help me with …?

Turn every conversation into an opportunity for success!

Debra Fine, is the author of The Fine Art of Small Talk (Hyperion). She presents keynotes and seminars on conversational skills and networking techniques internationally. Debra is a 15+ year member of the National Speakers Association, presenting her programs to hundreds of audiences around the world to clients that include General Electric, Lockheed Martin, American Bar Association, GlaxoSmithKline Pharmaceuticals, Credit Suisse First Boston, and New York University Stern Graduate School of Business. Her recent media appearances include The Today Show, The Early Show, NPR Morning Edition, Fox Business News, and CNN.